Finding Him
by lesquelette
Summary: A decision, a mistake, and the ruthless truth of the uncertain. Sirius, James, Lily, and the values of interpretation.


Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter are not mine.

A/N: _I honestly don't know what possessed me to write this.. just a thought that grabbed my head, I know it's not very good.. please don't judge my other writing by this! Read & Review, flames accepted!

* * *

_

**Finding Him**

_Warm lips on mine_

_drinking in the flavor of them_

_soft vanilla with a bittersweet taste_

_dark shadows and cool hands_

_blurry vision, sliding away,_

Shafts of sunlight streaming into our room,  
landing on the ashes of yesterdays fire,  
in the fireplace.

I wake up.  
another dream,  
_who was it?  
__who is this person who haunts me?  
_This person that haunted every dream these past 2 years,  
I remember something.  
Red..  
deep red..  
It reminds me  
of  
Red like Lily's hair.  
How did I think of that?  
Haunting my mind..  
I know what I must do today.

"So, going to decide today?" he asks me softly.  
"Sirius.." I reply. This has been dragging on for a while, I know I have to deal with this now. But I still,  
I still,  
I have no wish to.  
"Why can't I have you both?" I try to ask jokingly. Utter failure,  
it came out sounding weak and needy.  
And true.  
So true.  
"It could never really..  
I mean, seriously.."  
and he doesn't even laugh at the pun,  
his favorite.  
I'm speechless now, staring at the ground.  
"Do you really.."  
his voice breaks.  
"It's her, isn't it?  
Are you sure?"  
We talk a bit more,  
but not much.  
I leave him, walk out the door,  
to tell a certain redhead that yes,  
I will,  
I will go out with her now.

* * *

I walk up the stairway,  
into our dormitory,  
the fire's burning low,  
I see your dark profile in the chair:  
head sunk low  
matching the dim scene;  
I see that you're in another of  
your moods,  
I am the only one who can deal with them,  
and even I don't know how to with this one,  
this one,  
which is my fault,  
which is about me,  
because of me,  
me and you.  
I just can't do it this time  
I turn around softly  
and leave you there  
knowing that you have heard me  
but I will come back later,  
when I'm ready, perhaps.  
I can tell right away  
that my Snivellus story  
will not solve a thing,  
not this time.

* * *

"Where's Sirius?" Remus asks me. I almost wish I could just ignore the question. I almost do.  
"He's upstairs," I answer. I glanced at the doorway I had just come out of. Remus picks up on my tone, understands, nods slightly.  
"Shouldn't you be too?" he asks softly, speaking in undertones that speak volumes themselves. I look down, away, at the staircase, back at him.  
"I can't," I answer. "Not this time. Because."  
"Why?" he asks. Maybe not so understanding.  
"It's Lily," I answer. Remus knows, and I know, and so does Sirius. Because it is Lily. That's all there is. It has to be,  
red.. "Goodnight Sirius," I whisper softly to myself. I exit through the portrait hole without looking back.

* * *

I sit there,  
staring into the fire.  
Thoughts crashing around in my head,  
tearing me to pieces,  
_like an ocean.  
_I hear soft footsteps up the stairs,  
I know it is James.  
I can tell right away;  
how many times had I waited for them before?  
Always, all the time,  
he snuck out to visit her.  
Even when he promised,  
he promised,  
what is a promise?  
he doesn't matter anymore.  
He told me last night.  
"Forget me,  
I know you will."  
_And I never will._  
"It was nothing.  
Let it go."  
_And I never will._  
I can hear him standing there,  
feel him standing there.  
He turns around and leaves  
and he knows that I know.  
He knows that I'm in one of those moods,  
those moods where I could do something crazy,  
something I'd regret later,  
like begging him,  
or kissing him,  
or maybe just stabbing him;  
something to make this pain go away.  
This cold knife may do the job,  
carrying me away to somewhere where it won't hurt,  
in soft waves  
_like an ocean.  
_Lily..

* * *

"What did you have to take care of?" Lily asks me.  
"Just something, nothing important. I needed to tell Sirius something.."  
"Your prank on Snivellus?" she asked, trying to look stern, giggling.  
"Yes, a beauty, wasn't it?" I say in a proud, conceited voice, trying to hold on to some essence of myself. We're talking, flirting, then we're kissing, my girlfriend at last..  
And I could cry,  
I could start right now,  
just weep till the waves of tears sweep me away,  
because I realize something,  
and it's too late.  
and I have made a horrible mistake,  
because it isn't Lily.  
And there is no doubt about it anymore.  
I break it off, suddenly.  
"What's wrong?" she asks me, worried,  
concern flashing in her eyes,  
she truly cares about me,  
and I know that I have just hurt the 2 people  
whom I most care about in the world.  
"I've made a mistake."  
"Not again, James.."  
"I'm sorry. Goodbye."  
"Not this again..  
...James!"  
I break way from her, run  
run  
run  
through the portrait hole  
up the stairs  
"Sirius!"  
I see him there,  
not sitting in front of the fire anymore  
slumped,  
on the ground.  
"SIRIUS!"  
I scream.  
Around him,  
pools of blood,  
blood,  
blood red.  
My dream comes back to me,  
The redness of it.  
And it all makes sense.  
"Sirius,"  
my voice is hoarse.  
I grab his arm,  
his skin,  
cold ice,  
kissing him hard on the lips..  
his lips..  
not cold..  
Warm lips..  
"James.."  
Unsteadily, barely there,  
but There.  
Real.  
Alive.  
And I break down,  
crying.  
"I'm sorry."  
and I'm holding on to him,  
I stay holding on  
Because I've found him at last.

FIN


End file.
